also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
