i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
