we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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