so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
