I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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