To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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