Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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