Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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