I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
