His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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