I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
