I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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