you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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