We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
