Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
