So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
