new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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