I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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