Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Randomize
