We named our party play list daddy issues
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
