No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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