Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
