Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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