The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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