Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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