I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
