Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
