Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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