apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
