He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
