My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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