It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize