my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
