Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
