the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I will pee on everything he values.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
