the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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