I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
