shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
