God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
