yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
