I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
