why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
