My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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