why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
