you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
