Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
