They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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