I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
