I am in a vortex of obligation.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
