I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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