she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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