u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
