Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
