Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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