My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
