just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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