I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
As shirtless as possible
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
