8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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