I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Betty ford says i'm here all night
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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