so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
