wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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